Hey who would’ve thought it.. I actually AM a dirty slut!

So I can’t help but see the irony out of this whole fucking situation and even though it’s BAD news, it’s not the end of the world and therefore we shall laugh about it!

Let’s start at the beginning:

Last week, I went in for an appointment with good ol’ Planned Parenthood to get tested for STD’s and get some birth control (hooray for the NuvaRing, might I add).  The nurse tells me that they can only test me for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea since this is a Planned Parenthood “express” appointment, with symptoms-free testing.  After receiving my rings and setting up a future pap appointment to test for everything else, the nurse says with optimism, “If we don’t call you by around Friday, everything’s normal…. NO news is good news.”

[I'm guessing that you can see where this post is going...]

So there I am, all happy to be on birth control so that I could have babies-free sexcapades with The Particular Guy, feeling carefree and wonderful.. Then I get the voice message. “Hello this is ________ calling  from Planned Parenthood.. could you please give us a call back as soon as possible?”

UHHH….

Okay, okay.. that means I HAVE SOMETHING.  I try my best not to completely flip out as walk to my car and do my best to not start panicking.  The anxiety and thoughts running through my head were awful.  I have SOMETHING. oh my god. oh my god… I’ve only been single for about 5 minutes and i CAUGHT SOMETHING.  What the fuck did I get??  Holy shit…

I get to the car, shut the door, and bring myself to make the phone call.  I get in touch with the doctor [breathe, just breathe]

“Oh, here’s your chart.  Ohhhhh… Well.. [long pause] So as you know, we ran some tests on you for STD’s, and you tested positive for Chlamydia.  Are you familiar with what Chlamydia is?”

[insert mild/moderate/severe panic here]

“Uh yes I remember learning about it in school.. is that something that goes away??”

“Well, if you don’t get it treated right away, there are possible complications in the future that could lead to uterine problems or even cancer.  It’s treatable…”

“No, but does it go away?  Is it CURABLE?”

“Yes, if you get treated now, it’ll clear up.”

I breathed a giant sigh of relief and I think I said out loud “Oh thank fucking god!!” Then the doctor gives me some more information about my condition over the phone-  No sex for 2 weeks (to let the infection clear up and I have the option to buy the antibiotics for my partner because he definitely has it too). I need to go back to the clinic and get re-tested in 3 months to see if I still have it.

HOLYMOTHERFUGGG.  so.. I’m relieved yet also in absolute SHOCK.  I agree to go down to the clinic right that second so that I can pick up the antibiotics (for both me AND Particular Guy) and start the treatment.  Now I can’t help but recall reading the DD’s experience, and I am kicking myself for finding myself in the same boat.  Given, I’m retarded and I didn’t use a condom while she has used a condom every time.. but I still didn’t find it likely that I’d catch something after having sex with two guys (err not simultaneously).

So.. the dreaded phone calls to The Friend and Particular Guy.  Embarrassing as it was, it was also extremely necessary to alert them of the situation.  The Friend is busy at work, and says he’ll call me back.  I end up text messaging him the news – “Uh so I just got tested for STD’s and I have something, but it’s CURABLE.  You need to get tested and treated right away if you have it.” He responds with a shocked text “Wow.. what is it” and we go back and forth a bit about it.  He seems to take it well and doesn’t sound all that surprised (hmm, is HE the one that gave it to me??).  I’ll have to follow up with him soon and double check if he got tested/treated yet.  As for Particular Guy, I texted him that he needed to “call me back, it’s kind of urgent”.  What a mood kill after playful texts earlier that day, about screwing on his desk again soon.  2 weeks.  Damn me.

So I’m waiting to be seen (it’s going to take an hour, maybe an hour and a half.  GREAT…), and Particular Guy calls me so I go outside to break the news to him.  He sounds.. I don’t know at first.  I tell him all the facts, and try to emphasize that it’s NOT life-threatening, nor a permanent virus, and I do my best to be light-hearted while telling him everything.  I tell him that I’ll take care of getting his antibiotics for him, and I’ll meet him up that night so that he can take it right away.  And after I had awhile to let everything sink in, that I’m not about to die, that I don’t have something permanent.. I came to a selfish yet practical realization – I can’t have sex for 2 fucking weeks once I take those pills.  Enter my completely legit proposition to Particular Guy for “1 last hoorah” before we both take the medication.  After hanging up, we joke a bit back and forth via text

“One last time.. there may be something to that….”

“I hope that I’ll be able to keep myself from laughing my ass off if you call me dirty slut tonight”

“Trust me, I will [winking face]“

“Dude!  The doctor was pretty hot… I’m betting that any attempts on my part to hit on her would not have been all that slick though, since I was there, getting meds for Chlamydia LOL”

So things are feeling okay, though I’m still shocked… still in mild disbelief that I caught something so fast.  That it happened to ME.  Being single is SCARY now, at least when it comes to STD’s and the high risk involved with being an extremely horny (and attractive) woman.  There’s REAL DANGERS.  …shitty.

If I get around to it, I’ll add a post about the amazing humpage that we proceeded to have that night… stay tuned for that one.  We-both-have-the-clap-and-therefore-must-fuck-one-last-time-fucking was right up there with kinky-fantasy-office sex.  Yum.

Let’s cut to the end of our lesson, the moral of the story, if you will:  you don’t need to do it with 10 dudes to catch something, not even 3.  i had 2 sexual partners after my long-term relationship ended.  if i can get it, YOU can get it.  aside from some uncomfortable urination (which I had assumed to be another UTI, since I had gotten them often in the past while in a monogamous bf-gf relationship), i had no symptoms.  Be scared and USE CONDOMS and have open communication with your partner(s).  Don’t be shy or embarrassed to ask them about their sexual history, or to both get tested before you bone.. your health is at stake.  I’m just taking this as a huge lesson to always use condoms, or stick with one partner that i can trust to be completely honest with me the moment he starts boning another girl.  And though you’d think that this whole ordeal would be a COMPLETE buzz kill to my “Woooooo life is AWESOME and I’m LIVIN’ it!” outlook, I’m just going to take it as a giant learning experience and be ever-so-thankful that I didn’t catch something gnarly.  Particular Guy was very cool about the whole thing and I am DEFINITELY looking forward to humping his brains out as soon as our 2-week abstinence period is over.  But the amazing sex that we had last week really should tide me over for at least a week, maybe a week and a half.  It was gooooooooood…..

[EDIT: It has been a week and I'm already horny again.  DAMN ME, and damn this mandatory abstinence crap!!]

-the incurable flirt